Alice

Clowns to the left of me

2008-08-30T14:08:48Z

My physical body is a mess.

I do not look after it. This is for a few reasons. Firstly i am not sure what i want from it. Do i want to be the skinny girl shape? Will that even work with my basic male shape? Do i want to be a skinny effeminate male? Do i want to be a fit, moderately muscular young bi man? The latter is the easiest for me to active. I have been fit before and i know what i can do to regain it.

When going through puberty i was very fit. Always doing things and getting out and about. Not actively getting fit, it was more a by-product of me having fun. As a result i was a fairly attractive male growing up. Then i threw this upon myself. I though that i was not meant to be that so i relapsed. I stopped everything. I sat and did nothing to avoid looking so male.

I will have to decide soon what i want.

Soon.

Will i be happy living as a effeminate bisexual male who occasionally dressed up as a girl to go out. Do i need more as a person to live content? Do i need to physically change my body in order to live with a sense of well being? Lots of questions need answering and the only one who can do that is myself.

I do not think i could ever go back in the closet. I am openly confused. Hiding it when i was younger was very painful. Now pain comes from the pressure to decide to fit into a binary gender system. Is the pressure imagined? Possibly; i do have a warped view of most of the world (as acquaintances of mine will testify). It will be difficult. But if i do change, i want it to be sooner rather than later. I want to live my live as who i am meant to be. Sitting in the decision place is not where i want to be for the rest of my life.

Get me out. Help me decide. In 50 years time i have no plan to look back and wish that i had done the other thing. If i choose i have to stick to it and be happy. When i decide i cannot look back. It would remind me of the indecision and the pain that comes with it. Being either male or female later in life, i do not want to feel like i have wasted my time pretending.

This will affect everything. Absolutely everything. My choice will not just be life changing, but it will be shattering, burning and rebuilding of everything i know.

Where will i go?

The rabbit hole is open. Would Alice have been better off not going to Wonderland?

Face the wall

2008-08-30T14:08:12Z

Writing as a catharsis?

I wish i could write more. If i felt what i was writing held worth i would probably do it more. I, like every other blogger in the world, would like to write a book at some point in my life. I consider this blog as a practice ground. I can write here without needing to be perfect. Hopefully i will build up a style and beauty of writing enough for it to warrant publication. Enough of this.

I have been thinking that i should change the name of this blog. ‘Being a teenage trans-person’ doesn’t roll off the tongue. It is less recognisable in a search. Suggestions are welcome.

I have been wanting to dress more recently for different reasons than i am used to. I now feel like i want to be a girl as a comfort thing. Like eating ice cream or hugging a pillow, i put on a skirt and make-up. Clearly that is not the only reason i do it. It is merely the trigger that has been pushing me over the last few days. It is interesting how things control our lives. i use the word ‘control’ is a gentle way. Perhaps ‘guide’ would have been more appropriate.

I wish i were musical, then i could express my emotion properly. Sometimes words don’t seem enough and i can’t record my thoughts in a way that satisfies me. Music can bring out much more in the mind.

Does doing performing male actions in a female mind make me any less of a woman?

The great cold absence

2008-08-30T14:07:18Z

Hello everyone. Sorry for running away. It was rude of me.

I am back from the place my mind was in that prevented me from writing. I don’t know where that was but perhaps we can explore it together.

Obviously lots has happened since last we spoke but i can’t write it all here. I will just pretend that you know it and continue with the most recent events.

Last weekend i met up with a very good friend and her friend who were both born male. Such a night i have never had. It is what i imagine living among girls would be like, for they treated me perfectly. Until i have successfully transitioned, it is only really others like me who understand what is going through my mind. They made me feel very comfortable being myself. It took a while to adjust because i am not overly femme much of the time. ‘Makeup, boys and wine’ sums up the evening fairly accurately. There were other things but i would rather not divulge more for fear of upsetting some readers.

Where am i in my thoughts? I am gender confused. I know that i am not male (this is something that i have always felt). I know that i enjoy and feel comfortable as a woman. I know that i have a lot to learn to become a ‘proper woman’. Even if i transition fully, i will still possess certain male traits that i have picked up while being in this body. Does that matter? I know that the process will be long and painful. I know that i could live out a fairly dull and slightly pained life as a hidden male if i wanted to. Do i want to become female enough to warrant SRS? Do i lie to the therapist to get what i want? Does any of that matter? I am who i am regardless of the body i am in. Sadly people will treat you differently depending on the body i am in. I don’t feel male, yet people treat me as one because of my body.

Phew… It is good to get that out of my system.

Comments are very much welcome. I am stuck and i need your support.

Battle with the red queen

2008-08-30T14:03:57Z

Things will change. The direction is uncertain, but the magnitude of the event will not be small.

I am sitting in a hotel lobby in Chicago thinking heavily about what is to come. A plan is formulating in my mind. I have yet to commit it to paper but that will happen soon enough. Hopefully, if i follow all the steps in the scheme, i will have happiness of a sort in whatever shape my body ends up in. My time in America is being documented, but in paper form. There is a girl who needs to read it more than anyone else. If she allows me, i will put it up here, but later.

I have been having lots of thoughts about lots of things. This is a difficult time but it feels slightly productive. By the end of the summer, a path will have been chosen and then all i will have to do it walk down it. I could run, but it depends on how nice the road is. I will have plans for each eventuality. Some more extreme than the others. Some that people won’t agree with, not even those close to me and who support me in what i am doing. They may have difficulty understanding why some stages of the plans are necessary. They are just things that need to be done for me to feel like i can continue.

Having a course makes things a little easier in my mind, but it still leaves a significant amount of unrest. Different unrest.

The plans may be published on this blog, but i may want to keep them to myself and only tell you when they have been done. I will decide later.

I miss people from home that made me feel better about being myself but being in a strange place is liberating. I spent all day practising my girl walk. All smiles. I may get it yet.

I hope to update soon.

A little bit of my writings

2008-01-12T17:32:52Z

My thoughts at the moment are so screwed. I can’t think about my present or future. So here is a little of my past (all fact).

My heart was racing. Pounding so hard in my chest that every beat felt like a hammer striking a bell. The stairs creaked horribly as I crept up and into her bedroom. The light was still on and cast a nasty brightness everywhere. Rain washed the darkened windows and the wind made unearthly sounds. A beautiful aroma that is only found in girl’s bedrooms found my nose. My ears were focused on the noise of the lower floor. I was ready to rush out were I to hear footsteps on the stairs.
This was the room where I could find many new and interesting things. This was a girl’s room. I was in the most forbidden place a five year old boy can be.

A few hours earlier the room had been filled with children. Running about and playing. It was a party of sorts, although I forget the occasion. It was all the children from my nursery. Naturally all the mothers became friends and had organised a get-together.

We had been going through the dress-up box when my brother found it. He held it aloft like a grand prize and proceeded to pull the costume on. I sat on the bed in a state of shock. My older brother had just done the impossible: he had just worn female clothes! The possibility of such a transition had not crossed my conscious mind before and it was a great shock.
He stood there in a fairy ballerina outfit. His legs smooth in white leggings, his torso covered in tight stretchy pink material and on his back was a pair of wings. At that moment in time I wanted nothing more but to be a fairy and to be a girl. The world stopped for me. All the other children found it highly amusing that a boy had worn a fairy outfit but they all tried it on. They took turns jumping off the bed floating on the wings of their imagination. I could do nothing. I didn’t dare ask to try it on. Would the others sense my eagerness and ridicule me? Would it not fit or suit me? Would I suddenly be a girl? My mind could not comprehend all of the possible apocalyptic outcomes. My brother came over and offered me a turn with the costume.I paused. I longed to say ‘yes’, to grab the beautiful garment and become lost in a total fantasy. I longed for the feel of the material against me and to see the reflection of my new body in the mirror.

I couldn’t. He would guess my intentions and tease me endlessly. I lowered my head and said no in a very soft voice. I was heart broken. The fantasy was to be denied to me. I could almost feel my heart physically drawn to the outfit. It was perfect. I was very quiet for the rest of the evening much to the puzzlement of the parents who perceived me as a loud and excitable child. They did not know that I was deep in concentration, planning and scheming. I had to have the costume. I had to put it on and be a fairy. I wanted to walk around the room with my head held high as a girl. I had never been a girl before and I longed to know what it was like to be on the other side.

The parents came in and put on a film for us all to watch. The sofa groaned under the mountain of 11 children struggling for the best seats. I was in no mood for a wrestle so I sat on the floor next to the arm of the chair. The movie began and I looked but I did not see. My mind was in the dressing-up box. I was besotted with my new found fantasy. There was no room in my consciousness for anything but beautiful dressed and wonderful clothes.

I gave up. I could no longer just sit there and dream. I had to go and touch it, smell it, taste it and try it on. Fortunately I was in a very good position to sneak out undetected. I left the room as silently as possible only pausing at the door to make sure nobody had spotted my exit.

Now I was in the room and I was shaking from nerves. The fear of being caught as I was dressing up as a girl was great. But greater still was my desire itself. I had made a great effort to note where all of the nice garments had been placed. The room was plundered of all its treasures which were placed in a pile behind the door and next to the mirror.

The next thirty minutes were some of the greatest of my life. Alas, they also shaped most of the next fifteen mournful years.

My real blog

2007-08-24T22:08:48Z

Hi there,
This is the diary of a teenage boy with gender identity disorder.
Well, i tell a lie. My real diary is at [Unknown LJ tag](another blogging site) and i can't be bothered to transfer across.
So, if you find this, please visit my other page but comment here.

so click HERE to get to my real blog.

xx

-Alice